i was just thinking about the ex and realized i hadnt
taken my meds in two days. oops. need those meds.

ive been home working looking forward to my vacation.

to say that im not happy with life is an understatement.
last night i went out and paid for sex (again)
the experience was expensive and dissapointing.

sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind.
the ex texted me just a couple of hours ago
she was said "how much she hated funky town"
i texted here back and said stop whinning
and move on, maybe make peace with the city.

it crossed my my mind that i could have told
her in town and to come over to long term
hotel and we could fuck a little, i could
give her herpes or god forbid i have something
else. part of me would be really upset withmyself
if i did that and god i if i did she would
harrass me no thanks. it would giver her a
reason to call me.

any i told her not to text me ... she
said she didnt remember not having permission
to text me. i reminded her that she gave
me this speach about not calling me back.
you know that is 50 percent of what this
is about i hate rejection and i take it very
personally.

all this but no change still in funky town
still lonely. i thought about cruising
for sex but im broke, sad isnt it.

i see dr. g tomorrow i feel a sense of relief.
(some) you know i am not looking forward to
the future. you know when i went out to a.
i threw myself out into the void and go so
far away from home. i said i would never do that
again. no my "home" is shrinking. i worry about
my job my neice has basically already moved.
my sister says she is moving.
i stayed in college because i liked things as
they are like now or how they have been.

i worry about being a danger to myself.
dr. l. say you "you need to get out more ..."
funny i looked at hime like he was crazy.
later i thought its like say to man starving
all you need is food or a homeless person "all
you need is a roof over your head."
what do i continue to see this guy?

personally i think i need to save up
some money and plan for working her and
not in funky town but for now spending
the rest of the year in funky town.

man i remember remember all the times
i melted down in a. in college. not having
savings ... i wish i could take some time
off take a vacation. even so things are
still changing to something im not
in a mood for.

saw dr l. today, the psychiatrist,
not dr g.
he wanted to know how i was doing
i said not well. i told him my back
is was killing me, prostate is not doing so
well and mentally yea.

dr l. is a cold fish all he does
is proscribe meds his pat question
is "radio how has you mood been?"
that is it. 15 minutes goes by and
im out the door.

monday of mondays.
yes i know the date my little problems
seem small in comparison but i guess
all that stuff that happened happen
5 years ago.
well what have learned from my past?
last night as sat glazing into the tv
trying to cope with the angry call
from my boss

2 and some half years ago i was in about
the same position laying in bed
same apartment complex. feeling crummy
wondering what was going to come
next.

finally got hold of the boss he just
wanted an update. it wasn't as bad
as i thought he just wanted an update
i am scheduled to go to funky town.
once more i pulled it out of my ass.
i bought myself another week of
work and 2 more weeks work.

i tried calling the boss again, no dice.
this is the age old question for me
well not calling you boss but dealing
with employers. i think about every shitty
one of them almost all of them have been
shits of some kind. since i like my
anonymity i can list the past employers
but they seem to fall into the same
patter. the work is rushed (that always
seems to be the common sin. they bludgeon
any opposition i can think of about 75%
of them that had that problem, or they
are just not present.

so what am i going to do?
i could placate the boss get some stuff done
that shouldnt be to hard. and just hope
this blows over or use said time
to look for another job. the unknown
disturbs me.

the ex keeps messaging me. i am always tempted
to talk to her back but i resist it will
come to the same conclusion, if i talk
to her i will be disappointed. right now all
i would talk to her about is how im upset
about my job (same old same old for us,
this was the same 10 years ago and its
the same now.) i want something different
for myself then her half love half attention.
also i have herpes we hook up i always
risk giving it to her and to be honest
i wont lie i think about her sexually.
i would rather give this to a stranger
than to someone i once cared about.
also someone who might later come back
and give me a guilt trip and say "why
where you so irresponsible with me."
nope i dont need that.

i think about the ways i approached
things ... remember big oil company? and
that disaster? i wanted to quit but didn't
have the courage to do so but instead
what did i do? i took some "stuff" and
they fired me and it could have been worse
had they wanted to make it worse. rather i
could have just said "you know i want to
change now is a good time walk away."
the result was the same i changed job.
also i have thought being overly generous
to my neice. because of a year of paying
her bill i have no savings